Making a Decision
Tuesday, November 13th, 2007I just came back from the “happiest place on earthâ€. Well, without sounding somewhat jaded I have been much happier in other places that is for damn sure. However, what I found so unsettling about this experience is that everyone wanted everyone to be happy. Reality be damned. At first I was rather annoyed about this reality aversion then I realized I am excellent at it. In fact, I excel at living inside my own head.
But there is something happening. I am feeling okay. All the crap I have been through is still there lingering in the background. My dealings with death, addiction, 9/11, AIDS, cancer will simply not vanish with the wave of a magic wand. I often thought that a magic wand to rid myself of my past would be a grand and wonderful thing. However, being stuck in the “happiest place on earth†for nearly week cured me of that fantasy. I will take my reality, warts and all, anytime because I can honestly say as each day goes by I am feeling better; dare I say happier?
Yup, I am happier. I am in love again, have some grand and true friends, am sober, and yet still suffer from the horrible pangs of guilt and anguish for being happy –  but I have come to realize that is my head trip. I don’t need to beat myself up anymore. Life has taken a good whack at me and has done a great job of inflicting misery. There are other people waiting in line for a shot at me I am sure.Â
In fact, the other day I came out of a supermarket in the mid-Cape area to find one of my tires slashed. Someone took it upon themselves to commit a random act of hate. (At least I hope it was random.) At first I was furious and bitchy then I stopped myself. It was just a tire. If I went crazy over this childish and cowardly act then the jerk that slashed my tire did his job. He won. He made me mad and upset. I didn’t want him to win. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my day in a self-inflicted dither. So I simply decided not to.
So to the person who slashed my tire here is a little piece of information for you. I forgive you. I am not pleased with what you did or why you did it, but I am over it. You lost out buddy. I may be out a few bucks, but I am not harboring a resentment nor do I care who you are or wish you harm. I am happy. Maybe you should try some happiness too.
