I am having a Monday Moment, and I am not exactly sure what that means.  But I have decided that I need to do better by my blog and will post something every Monday starting NOW.

This is a great and reflective time of year for many of us.  We all do that kind of “year-end”” review in our minds, but mine is complicated by the fact it is also my birthday.  The day after New Year’s Day I will be 52.  Stop snickering.  For some of you 52 seems like a silly age to be concerned about.  However, being a gay man living AIDS I can assure I am on the downside of desirable.  In fact, in “gay years” I am technically dead. 

But the odd thing is for all my illnesses, sorrows, and missteps I am looking the best I ever have in my life.  My parents blessed me with some very nice looks.  They gym has given me a body that turns heads.  And sobriety has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams.  But there is still something odd about it all.  At first I thought it was just the age thing.  Then I came to realize that wasn’t the truth.  It is about what time is left.  No so much time I should imagine.  Oh, don’t go blaming “self-pity” here.  I am a writer and scientist.  I have been on toxic drugs to “save my life” for over a decade.  Everyone seems to think this is not such a big deal.  Well, if my AIDS doesn’t kill be, or a bus hits me, the drugs I am on will eat away at my very being  till they have their way with me.

At 52 I have survived the terrorist attacks (barely with a year in and out of hospitals having  my lung ripped open at the drop of a bedpan), I lost all my parents within weeks, my husband of 26 years dropped dead out of the blue, I fell in love again without seeing it coming, and now wondering what the hell is going on.    My new novel is at my publishers.  For craps sake I have a fuking publisher which is a miracle in and of itself.

I have found a happiness and serenity in sobriety and gotten closer to God.  (I know, I know we recovering drunks are supposed to be inclusive and not refer to God as God but as a “higher power”.  Well frankly, I say fuck that.  If the term “higher power” works for people I am 100% behind it.  But what works for me is to call God God.  In fact, I can send hoards of people running up the hill of discarded Big Books by saying Jesus Christ is God.  That is my belief and often times I am ridiculed for having religious  side in a program that purports to be a “spiritual one”.  If I wanted to talk about a stack of twigs being my “higher power” everyone usually nods like they get it.  When I dare say Christ is my higher power they squirm.    But as I said before: Fuck it.

 

But I will say I am beginning to see the other slope of life.  If my AIDS doesn’t kill me the damn pills will for sure.  Again in this age of political correctness the world is lead to belief that all of us infected with HIV is take pills and live happily ever after.  This is so much bullshit I could (and have) screamed.  I don’t care what the media or big pharma calls the “miracle drugs” to treat HIV/AIDS.  I call it daily chemotherapy.  Lifelong chemotherapy.  Toxic. Unforgiving.  Relentless. There are days that are just great and then the days that are a living hell. 

We have become a society of compliancy which is worse than silence.  We accept any bullshit that comes down our way.  Many AIDS Service Organizations (ASOs) do nothing, but take government money and keep their staffs paid.  There is little, if any, care that goes on anymore.  The few times I personally needed care for a dying patient with AIDS not one person for the local ASO could be bothered to help out.  He was in and AIDS housing project and no volunteers came a calling.  It was up to me and his family.  I couldn’t even get the so called AIDS nurses in from the local VNAs.  When I was near death with my multiple lungs collapses, horrific HIV wasting, OIs, and such I called and asked for help.  None came.  Nor did any explanation.When my husband was dying and I called again I was told “sorry” but John (my late husband) was not a client, and therefore not entitled to services.  I guess it did not matter that for over a decade John kept the ASO office open on Wednesday mornings so the entire staff could have a case management meeting.  I guess it did not matter John helped all the people too weak to wash their own clothes at the ASO office.  I guess it did not matter I was in terrible emotional, physical and spiritual pain cause nothing happened.  I finally begged my case manger to remove me from the client list.  I did not want one penny of tax money going to them in my name.  Who the hell knows if this ever happened?

For the most part ASOs need to be shut down or revamped into actually helping organizations.    I suppose it doesn’t matter in the long run.  Life and diseases change; people are harder.  We get comfortable.  We get paid.  We get to sit around and feel good about nothing.

But this Monday Moments is not really about me or the ASOs.  It is about US. We have become a tolerant society when it comes to tolerating war, bloodshed, murder, gay bashing, crazy parents abusing children, crazy spouses beating their mates.  We simply smile, drop some change in a basket and go on.  Very few roll up their sleeves anymore and get dirty or give blood.  Reality has taken a back seat.

My hope for the future is about getting dirty again, listening again, not taking a talking head’s word for it.  It also wouldn’t hurt to laugh now and then.  But laughter has not become truly good for the soul.  Society likes to laugh at “reality” TV which is about as real as Barbie’s dream house. 

News flickers by us on a constant basis and we have become numb.  Over 50% of young Britons could not identify Winston Churchill’s photograph but were able to wax on about a Posh or Brittany somebody or other.  Churchill saved the world.  Posh or whoever looked pretty and does nothing. 

So let’s all they in 2008 to do a very simple thing.  Be kind, not always be right, sometimes I need a  shoulder to cry is needed without lectures.  Let’s all just slow down and see who needs a helping hand and reach out.  You will get back to much more than you give.  As the saying goes in recovery: “You cannot keep what you don’t give it away.”

God is good.  Life is good.  It is sometimes just overwhelming and foolish.  2008 should be the year a taking a deep breath and being gentle to strangers.  We need to reclaim our humanity.  Give yourself away this year and remind me to do the same thing when I faultier.