Every morning I get down on my knees and quietly pray: “Hello God, my name is Rick and, I am an alcoholic.”  This is my daily admission to my higher power (I use the term God without hesitation or embarrassment) that I am an alcoholic in need of his help.  I latched onto this saying before beginning my morning meditation by hearing a man talk about in a meeting a few months ago.  I immediately liked it.  It made sense.  In the recovery program I am in we say our names and add “I am an alcoholic” every time we speak.  This helps to remind us and everyone else in the rooms of whom we are and why we are there.  We are there to support each other and hopefully gain strength, wisdom and insight form people.  People we see every day we say the same thing to over and over.  I like this ritual.  It keeps me out of my head when I simply get bored to tears at a 12-step meeting. 

So to help put some boredom in its place and me in mine reminding myself daily that I am a recovering drunk keeps me focused.  I like “telling on myself”.  If I constantly “out” my alcoholism I feel a somewhat extra protection from relapsing. 

I think all people need to tell on themselves more.  It would improve the world.  We have become a society of “spin”; never accepting responsibility for our actions or words.  We have learned to duck and weave like a prize fighter in order to simply say: “I am sorry, I screwed up.” Now don’t get me wrong I know it is not always easy.  I also realize that there are sometimes painful consequences to admitting an incorrect action or misplaced words.  But that again is life.  Life is a wonderfully hard and joyous experience.  Rarely do our plans play out the way we want them to.  We forget that we are not in charge really.  We think we are.  The bombing and blustering of politicians worldwide infuses in us that mere people change the course of events.  Maybe if we greater consideration to the role of God in the world and that we simply put here to do God’s will then maybe we wouldn’t be chasing our tails and sending people and animals to slaughter because of our arrogance.

I know.  I know.  You are thinking, “Where the hell is this coming from?” all this God crap.  It is simple it comes from an unshakable belief that I am not that important and there is a Power greater than I in this world and greater than you.  No the world is not perfect.  But look who the fuck thinks they run it – very imperfect people.  So as we plot and plan our lives, the course of society maybe a small step back to attempt to see what our purpose is for being here is called for.

I am also tired of people claiming “God is on their side” in ANY debate.  God is on God’s side and we simply ignore it.  We are fools and think we are not.

The past few years have been very hard on me.  My parents died suddenly within months of each other, I was nearly killed on 9/11, my lung collapsed many many times and I went from 190 lbs of solid muscle to a wasted man who could barely walk without morphine.  I was 135 lbs, and I looked and felt like shit.  On top of all of this my husband of nearly 26 years dropped dead without preamble.  John just died.  Sick on Monday and dead on Sunday.  I don’t know how I got through this time but I can tell you as pissed off I was at God I never felt God’s abandonment.  I felt great sorrow, anger, confusion, and knowing that I had a choice to survive that which cannot be survived or simply die.  I was not ready to simply die.  After burying so many people in such a short period of time I simply could not see dying.  Apparently, God thought so too.  I got my act together, admitted defeat in my was with booze, declared myself the loser in that battle and tried to put one foot in front of the other.  I did not even attempt happiness.  It was nowhere in my grasp but that was okay.  I was living a hell and letting myself feel the pain.  I did not want spin.  Booze and drugs certainly did not work anymore (never did actually) and when I surrendered I won.

Please don’t think of me as a great guy with spiritual insight.  Basically, I am more just a (sometimes) nice man who is also a major asshole.  Once I could see that I was one I realized I might have a chance of not staying one.  I figured the world had more than enough assholes in it without adding to the mix anymore.  So I stopped, paused, and listened.  There is no magic.  No pills or drinks to correct what is wrong.  There just is is.  I don’t have to like it but I have to be able to understand I am not in charge and let the One who is be in charge.