It is 4 AM and I am sitting on the hard bottom rung of a shoe shine stand at LAX.  I have flown out to LA to give a lecture for one day.  Those of you who know me well know I hate to fly.  Honestly, the better and more accurate word is terrified.  At one time I use to get pretty hammered to even think about getting on a plane.  In fact, when I flew I only flew first class to make sure that the flow of booze was endless.  I am now sitting in a middle seat in coach and am happy and sober.  I am still anxious but I am no longer a terrified drunk.  It feels great to be on a plane without the need or desire for liquid fortification. 

I was invited to LA to moderate an expert review panel on how to treat HIV infection in those over 50 years of age.  It has been several years since I have gone on the lecture circuit due to the sudden death of John, my own health, and how hard sometimes life can kick you in the shins.  I am happy to be back “on the road” again.  This time I am sober. This time I know better (or let’s hope so) regarding all the ins and outs of being on a lecture tour.    I am smiling as I re-read those words I have just written since the logistics of this trip were a nightmare.  My travel and all the “comforts’ that make doing these gigs tolerable went haywire.  I was miserable.  But you know what this “misery” may have made this one of the  most personally successful trips I have ever gone on.

It is nearly impossible to be sitting in a room a well known experts in your area of clinical practice and not learn more than you are teaching.  Yesterday I learned a lot.

People actually told me that cared about me, and happy to see me back on the road.  Many people wanted to know where “I had been hiding out” for the past two years.  I honestly had no idea I was even “missed” but apparently I was since several of the people came just because I was on the panel.  If it is possible to feel humbled, flattered, and proud all at the same time than that is exactly what I felt.

But all of that was nothing compared to what I heard from a great AIDS doctor sitting in the audience.  The discussion had turned to switching from one set of AIDS medications to another set that may have fewer side effects and actually may be more effective than the old ones that a lot of people are on (and that includes me!)  One of the big problems with doing this switch is that is it often done on people doing well with the old medications who are willing to put up the side effects of these meds.  I am one of them.  While all my “numbers” are great nearly every night I have interrupted sleep and horrible nightmares.  This has been going on for 13 years.  My motto has been: “If it ain’t broke why fix it?”  Yester day I finally heard that it was broken.  I do not have to put up with the sleepless nights and the night terrors that have become an “acceptable” fact of my life as an HIV positive man.

But I must admit my fear of “breaking” something that is not broken still remains until I heard that great AIDS doctor say about the switch:  “Well if you don’t like how the new medications make you feel you are always entitled to a refund on your misery.”  As I heard those words I was suckered punched and enlighten at the same time.  He was right.  I was choosing to be miserable.  There was an alternative out there for me and if that alternative did not work I could go back to my miserable pills and be just “fine”. 

 

Wow, I think I stay in tune with myself on a regular basis.  After all I am in recovery and I spend time and effort on a daily basis looking at myself, the world around me, and my sobriety.   I am not as in tuned as I thought I was. I am taking life saving medications that have made more often than not miserable for the last 13 years.

So sitting in LAX bleary eyed and sleep deprived I had the time to really think this is exactly what I did with my drinking and drug abuse.  Towards the end of my “drinking and drug career” every swallow was toxic, every slam into a vein a virtual hell.  Yet I did it day in and day out.  Booze and meth were killing me and I was shoving them into my body as fast as I could.  Nothing else mattered.

I was and am a full fledge (gratefully recovering) drunk and alcoholic and a jerk (not sure it I can recover from THAT!). 

So as the hard ridges of the shoe shine stand sear into my butt I hear the flight attendant call my row for boarding.  I look around at the tired and haggard people awake and getting on planes at 4 in the morning and thought it was time for a new start.  Just like I did when I first walked through the doors of AA. 

 

So  I am about to ditch my misery.  I do not want a refund.  I do not deserve it back.  I deserve to be happy and feel good., and that is exactly what I am going to do.