I was sitting in the pew of my church last Sunday when our wonderful priest – the Reverend Terry Pannell – said: “God is NOT fair; He is gracious.”  My breath was knocked out of me.  I just heard these words from a priest I very much love and admire spoken from pulpit my church.  God is not fair; He is gracious. It was one of those moments of epiphany that happen so rarely in life.  I cannot think of a person in the world who ever truly believed that God was always fair in His bidding.  The world is just filled with horrendous examples.  Each of us have our own stories that are personally tragic. 

But what the hell did this mean?  Not fair but gracious.  I am still peeling away the onion of those words, but God gives to everyone in their and His own time.  God’s timing may not always seem “fair” – but fair is a human construct.  A tit-for-tat way of living life.  Life simply does not work out that way.  However, God gives to all – He is gracious.  I am trying to learn about His graciousness.  It is not easy.  Mainly it is just plain fucking hard.  I often whine and complain…Why do I have AIDS?  What am I an alcoholic?  Why am I in constant physical pain?  Why did my three parents drop dead within weeks of each other without any real warning?  Why was I at the World Trade Center on September 11th?   Why? Why? WHY?

I have to try to learn to stop with the “whys” of life and appreciate the graciousness.  For all the physical bullshit I am actually a rather healthy man with muscular body.  I cope with the pain and it does not make a big impact on my daily life most of the time.  I miss my parents and yet their sudden deaths came at a time when they suddenly and dramatically failed in their own health.  I am also blessed with my partner Jim who brings a new kind of joy and happiness to me that I never imagined possible when I was made a widower over night.  My writing sells well.  My last novel was a best-seller.  I have a group of friends that are family to me.  I love them and they love me. 

I need to find the gratitude God give me in His graciousness.  As a recovering alcoholic my sponsor has frequently said to me when I grippe of the unfairness of the world these simple words: “Make a gratitude list.  A grateful heart cannot be hateful.”  She is right.  I just need to listen and DO more of what she says, and stop pandering to her to shut her up.

I need work.  I need to remember that every day of my life. 

Terry closed his beautiful sermon by saying, “God does not give people what they deserve.  He gives them a lot more.”  Terry is right.  I need to be thankful for this graciousness.  God has given me a lot.

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